I've had this account for a while. Up until now I've only used it to read other blogs, thinking maybe one day I would have something interesting or significant enough to say that others may want to read. Well... it's not that I'm uninteresting or insignificant, but if that's what I'm waiting for, I may never post a single thing.
A little about me before I post what I really need to get off my chest today: I'm a mom, first and foremost, to a wonderful 7 year old daughter who is the light of my life. She, for all intents and purposes, will be referred to as "the kiddo" or "babydoll" from here on out. No offense, but I don't now y'all from Adam, so you don't get the kiddo's real name. OK, back to me... I'm recently divorced and happy to be so, no need for pity or judgment. I currently work in the office at my church, it was not the career path that I thought i would take, but it came along last year at a time when I needed a job and needed the serenity so for now it's what I do, and that is OK. I'm the middle of 3 sisters, a fact that always made me feel different for whatever reason. And... I can't think of a "lastly", so I'm moving on.
I've had a busy couple of weeks and Sunday, my precipice for writing today, was the climax. So here goes...
Sunday was... wow. I woke up with a headache and not a single Advil to be found. I would've have just stayed in bed, but I was singing in church so I dragged my butt outta bed. The headache turned into a full blown migraine, complete with waves of nausea, good times. I made it through church and then to the closest Walgreen's where I proceeded to down half a bottle of Advil and a Sprite. A salad was the only food choice that did not make me want to vomit just thinking about it and luckily I had time to pick one up and get to the theater to eat in the green room before I had to start getting ready for the show (I will post about my theater addiction at a later date).
So, food consumed and headache under control, I start the hair and make-up process. We're all backstage in various stages of getting ready and we realize one girl is missing. Now just to fill you in, the show is called "Five Women Wearing the Same Dress" and it's about 5 identically clad bridesmaids. The title states how many women are in the show, I think someone would notice if there were only four. The stage manager starts calling her, 3 times, no answer. Time to panic. The president of the board for the theater, of which I am the secretary, just happened to be in the lobby serving as house manager. She's about the same size as the MIA bridesmaid, let's just see if this will work. We get her into the dress, grab the shoes, slap some make-up on her, and shove a script in her hand while the director goes out to give the curtain speech, "The role of Tricia will now be played by..."
We make it through the first act, a few blocking issues but hey gotta cut the girl some slack, she's reading the lines cold from the book in her hand, trying to follow the stage directions, I can adapt. Walk off stage and look who decided to grace us with her presence. However, she is a big ol' blubbery mess and can't get it together. Excuse me if I don't feel sorry for you because you're upset with yourself about forgetting we had a show today, the rest of us were here. And now because we started late it is highly possible that I'm going to miss my daughter's dance recital. No sympathy from this bridesmaid.
The second act goes well enough, bows, applause, presentation of a plaque to the director, this is the last show after all, and I hall ass back stage, stripping as I go. I had texted my ex-husband when I was backstage earlier, 6 more acts before the kiddo dances and that was a good 10 minutes ago. I just might make it! I sprint to my car, peel out of the parking lot passing several friends who are standing outside after the show (didn't get to thank them for coming), race down the street to the theater where the recital is being held, park in the garage, run up 3 flights of stairs (could my legs feel any heavier, am I running through marsh or something?!) get into the auditorium to see my babydoll... walking off the stage. I walk defeated to the bathroom to catch my breath, wipe the sweat from my head (which has started to hurt again) and try to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. She has to think you saw her dance, she can't know you missed it, at least you were at the dress rehearsal, come on Amanda, get it together.
I meet up with my mom, "Did you make it?" "Nope." My ex "I'm so sorry you missed it" and his parents... silence. Judgment oozing, I divorced their perfect son and now I'm a horrible mother (yes I'm being sarcastic). Oh well, let's all go eat dinner together at Cracker Barrel!!! Screw it, pass the biscuits and the cornbread. We make it through dinner, they ARE my child's grandparents after all, and they know I'm not going to let them mess with my relationship with my daughter, everyone played nice and we part ways. They are in town until Tuesday so the kiddo goes with them and I head back downtown to "Jesus Christ Superstar" rehearsal (in my church clothes because I didn't pack any casual clothes, yay). This is when I kick myself, and believe me there has been lots of kicking over this, for not only doing a show that coincided with the kiddo's recital (and would have worked out fine had SOMEONE been on time to the show), but for doing two shows at once, again my theater addiction post will be coming soon, stayed tuned. Anyway, I trudge through rehearsal, each minute my eyelids getting heavier and heavier, but I gotta keep dancing "Christ you know I love you. Did you see I waved?"
I finally get home and head straight for the shower, shedding clothes as I walk for the second time that day. I don't even have the energy to shampoo my hair or soap up. I just let the hot water run. I stand there thinking about my day and how pissed I am about how it all went down. I climb into bed exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Being alone sucks. But I think about something my friend Dustin (a fellow Thespian) said once and I realize I'm very fortunate. I'm fortunate to have a job and a roof over my head. I'm fortunate to get to do something that I love. So many people would love to sing and dance and act, and I get to. So many people long to be parents and aren't, for whatever reason, and I have been blessed with a wonderful daughter. Yes, being alone sucks, but having the courage to say I don't deserve to be miserable anymore and changing my life so drastically that I don't recognize it at times is an amazing feeling.
Well, if you made it this far, you deserve my gratitude. Thank you for reading. This has been very empowering and fun. This, my first blog, will most certainly not be my last. Stay tuned!
MandaMadge
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